July 02, 2008

Mustache, God Bless You

Having just rejoined the fraternity of proud Mustachios.
I would like to take a minute of your time to revisit some of the better mustaches from our favorite and sometime unfavored athletes from the sports world. Let first tackle the best mustache floating around the MLB.
Jason Giambi has a stache that would make former Yankees first baseman Don Mattingly give a silent nod in affirmation. What can one say about this soup stainer? If you want to get out of a slump or go on a hot streak you grow a mustache. Giambi saw his average drop to a paultry .191 that was almost Andruw Jones esque. Fate stepped in, in the form of outfielder and teammate Johnny Damon. Damon trying to break up the monotony of the season convinced Giambi to grow a Lady Tickler. The Gold Thong didnt work but this seams to be the ticket. Giambi has raised his average 80 points to a respectable .264 with 17 HR and a .945 OPS. This all could be just lip service or the fur above the lip? You Decide? I for one beleive in the power of the mustache.

Of course the mustache is not just relagated to the Baseball Diamond.
The NFL quarteback has had a rich history of nose neighbors. Jake Plummer pulled this doozy while throwing left handed interceptions for the Broncos. But Jake was one of many great 'staches. Jeff George had a fanny duster that was 70's porno eque. One of the best is fronted by Broadway Joe. When he wasn't wearing pantyhose or asking to kiss Suzy Kolber he was rocking this gem. Maybe if he still had his Upper Lip Deal Sealer, Ole Suz would have given him a Monday Night rub and tug.

But there are the few failure out there in the sports world that bring down the awesomeness curve. Case and point Lionel Tyrone Willingham. This is a man that exudes mediocrity and tries to hide it behind stoic stares and nonsensical quips to the media that answer no questions at all. Willingham has made efforts to quell this mustache farce. He has been seen sporting a full goatee. An obvious attempt to thwart his downward spiral at Washington and save his job long enough to get back out on the Links. Word on the street is that Mustaches cure slices and lower your handicap by at least 10 points.

And to close out this diatribe on the Mustache I would like to show off a few more legendary 'staches. The clueless stanger, the gentleman caller and for no good reason not Joe Tiller.


Doug said...

Wow, good to see that you have embraced the power of the moustache. That thing is potent.

The first time I saw the Giambi moustache, I'm not even joking that I checked the channel to make sure I wasn't watching ESPN Classic!! That snout broom is straight out of 1987. I hope he keeps it forever.

Willingham spends more time grooming his stache than he does recruiting football players. Case in point, Washington has ZERO recruits for 2009. ZERO! How is that even possible?? You would think he could have at least stumbled onto one guy who grew up a Washington fan.

Another stache I'm partial to is the Duck Soup.


The descriptions of these staches still get me laughing every time.

"Never gets carded at bars"
"Difficult to pick up chicks under 35"
"Frightens away women and may cause dogs to bark viciously"

Matt said...

When discussing NFL qb's and their snout brooms, don't forget Jeff Hostetler. He had an all time classic. Here's a good picture with the bonus that he appears to be wearing a Canadian Tux